Live from the Katnip Lounge, The Kat Pack!

Starring: The Baby *Tiny Johnson * Felix * Rupert * Scouty * CC * Sweet Pea * Maui * May Ling * Salem

and...*Angels Grayce, KonaKitty, and Sylvester* always loved, never forgotten




Sunday, August 5, 2012

Moaning and Groaning with Sheebie!

Friends & Kitties!


As you may (or may not) know, I have suffered from depression my entire life.  Actually, "suffered" isn't the correct word--let's say I've been "afflicted" with depression.  I like that better you see, because for long stretches of time there isn't any suffering involved.  The dark cloud is always there--it never goes away entirely--but with meds and positive health choices I keep it at bay.  I'm an incredibly independent person, and I like to deal with my problems by myself; I'm not the "oh poor me" teary, wallowing in bed, needy attention type; I actually have very little patience or empathy for that sort of behavior.  When I feel bad I pull a turtle, and disappear inside my shell.  You know something is wrong with me when I finally shut up.  And there's one other significant indicator that all is not happy in the Head Of Trish: I clean.

Obsessively.  Thoroughly.  Relentlessly, to the point of exhaustion.  Get the hell out of my way or I'll clean you, too.

I'm sure it has to do with flow, when a task is so totally absorbing that each moment is Zen; I become the activity, and the commentary in my head quiets.  It's not necessarily negative commentary either, just every day life, for the most part. I think very linearly and I have a difficult time processing a lot of unrelated input.  As a result I procrastinate, stuff builds up--more inputs--and the cycle continues until I give myself a fine case of anxiety.  I feel paralyzed by so many things to do which, for the most part, aren't terribly important.  Oddly enough, at work my job is to keep track of myriad projects all over and run the treatment plant, and I don't miss a beat.  Just another dichotomous day...

For the most part I try to live a routine-filled life, with a minimum of unscheduled surprises that could bog down my head, and it works.  I'm content, and I have truly happy moments every day which I recognize and treasure.  I laugh.  I socialize and give my friends and co-workers all kinds of grief.  I natter with my hubby.  I look forward to getting up and seeing what the day holds.  I make tons of lists.  I blog with all of you.

Inevitably though crap piles up in my mind, or something unpleasant looms large that I have to deal with, and I start feeling overwhelmed.  My thoughts scurry around like cockroaches on speed.  My creativity suffers.  Joi de vivre disappears.  I ruminate about the past, and anxietize over things that might happen.  And the cleaning begins.  The tidying urge is a primal undeniable thing; it's not a conscious decision.  I simply have to do it, and I do, because I know that empirically, if I start organizing, things will start to look up.  The best I can figure is that tidying my physical space helps  sort my mental landscape, too, because after a few days' worth of titivating in closets and drawers, I feel better.  

Those of you who look past my silly kitties in the blog's photos may be thinking "But your house always looks so clean!", and it is, really.  Scott does a great job.  He knows that I'm much happier in an organized space (he is too, although he's terribly untidy with his things) and he works hard to accommodate my mental kink.  But my need for mindlessness has nothing to do with hygiene, so it's no slur on his housekeeping skills.

  So, I've felt the low clouds coming on for a few weeks now, and last week a switch got flipped in my brain and voila! there I was, inexplicably unhappy.  I called in sick to work on my  Friday (Tuesday) intending to just be nice to myself, sleep late, and wallow in a new book.  It didn't turn out like I planned--I ended up spending three days going through the house on an organizational orgy.  It was like lancing a boil; as each area was straightened my mind was emptied a little more of purulent black thoughts.  I have some residual anxiety (always more to do!) which I recognize as unrealistic so it'll sit on the back burner, simmering, until enough cares and worries get dumped into the pot and it'll be time to neaten up again.  In the meanwhile we have a clean Catio, uncluttered drawers and closets, and a bunch of stuff for the Katnip Lounge Garage Sale--more on that in the coming weeks.  The depression isn't gone completely; I can tell this little go-round was merely an opening salvo, but I have fought and won before and I intend to win again.  (Mom, I know you are reading this so don't freak out.  I'll be FINE.)  Furthermore, I definitively know what sparked this round, and I won't allow it to happen again.  Mea Culpa, this time.

It's all part of my life's journey, and although I detest feeling like I'm running at less than full capacity, I wouldn't trade it, I don't think.  I like my mind, warts and all.

I've never done group therapy (which involves other people) so it is a strange and wonderful thing to be able to "talk" to all of you.  In fact, putting this into words has been quite therapeutic.  You guys are a Depression Poultice for my ugly black brain boil.  Nice, huh?
Thanks for listening.  

All of this just to say that if the Kats and I aren't around as much commenting in the next little while and our posts seem brief, don't panic.  I'm probably just doing a little therapy in the closet.  


Happy Sunday, and have a Good Week, dammit!

XX  Trish  XX

57 comments:

  1. Trish, you and I are soul sisters.
    I've been feeling "the slide" into the pit this week as well. I think I will email you if it's ok with you.
    So much about you & I are alike.
    So for now, be gentle, do what you need to do because you know best what that is. Peace, Lynne

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  2. Our Mommy has cleaning orgies, too! Ours has an affliction too. Ever heard of PTSD? Yep, it's a goodie. We won't even tell you what it's from. But our point is--YOUR'E NOT ALONE. Take care of you. We'll be here when you feel better. ((hugs))

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  3. Well the woman doesn't clean. Really. I mean she probably should but it's not her thing. However, she does just have days when she's down. In fact, she's on a new herbal formula and it's moving through some stuff that is bringing stuff up just out of the blue. Which is interesting. She's finding the process rather interesting.

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  4. I'm the depressive type that you despise! Self-esteem goes in the toilet, no motivation to do anything, etc. Maybe we could swap on our responses to depression and even each other out?!

    I appreciate your openness and candor. Depression is a challenge that can certainly take life right out of life. Glad to hear you know what you need to do to take care of you, now I hope you do it, because you are worth it!

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  5. I tip my hat to you Trish. (when I get depressed I do absolutely nothing...) T.

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  6. Aunty Trish,
    ((((((HUGS)))))) you take care, ok? The kitties make you happy too....as you have to clean after them. har har har *evil laughs*

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  7. Wallowing has its purpose but not to excess. Cleaning too.
    Now baking.....great way to deal with what ails you. I bake when I get depressy. Everyone around me gets treats and I experiment and it takes my mind to cups and teaspoons

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  8. That was a brave post!
    Unfortunately depression is more common now-a-days than admited, and it's the biggest taboo of our society.

    (((((((((big hugs))))))))))

    I hope you feel better real soon.

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  9. Majorly thought provoking. Does the cleaning help or is it 'too much'. On a practical level, I wish that when I get depressed, I would do the cleaning and use the negative energy creatively somehow. I pull many turtles! If the cleaning works for you, I am really envious :)

    But, yes, signs that the black dog is coming back....... how to spot them and act on them positively so that the dog take up residence.... ? For me they are maybe different, and there are seasonal changes. Big ones with light.

    But thank you Trish, and above all take care. And if I ever see you write 'silly kitties' again I shall be extremely rude! They are all part of keeping you happy and healthy (and I know you didn't mean it)!

    Hugs

    Karin

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  10. Majorly thought provoking. Does the cleaning help or is it 'too much'. On a practical level, I wish that when I get depressed, I would do the cleaning and use the negative energy creatively somehow. I pull many turtles! If the cleaning works for you, I am really envious :)

    But, yes, signs that the black dog is coming back....... how to spot them and act on them positively so that the dog take up residence.... ? For me they are maybe different, and there are seasonal changes. Big ones with light.

    But thank you Trish, and above all take care. And if I ever see you write 'silly kitties' again I shall be extremely rude! They are all part of keeping you happy and healthy (and I know you didn't mean it)!

    Hugs

    Karin

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  11. I think you will find a lot of understanding cat and dog lovers are cheering you on. So many can relate to some if not all of what you go through. I applaud you for sharing this with us all. Thank you!

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  12. Cleaning is my way to deal with anxiety... or anything bothering me which is beyond my control, really.

    While I don't suffer from depression, I believe I understand the waves trying to overtake you. I've had panic attacks for most of my life.

    You could easily insert the word "WINE" as the first word of the first sentence I typed in this comment. Ha!

    Note: Blessedly, my panic attacks have, for the most part, abated since my divorce in 1994. And since a wonderful old country doctor recommended I have wine everyday and anytime I felt anxiety coming on.

    Barb

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  13. Would that I cleaned too! I just eat, and eat and eat. And I do "turtle" too, like most of us who have depression, I suppose.

    Group therapy? I tried it briefly--a support group--years ago, and my gods, it was depressing. Everyone sitting around talking about the meds they were on. Shudder.

    But I did belong to a small on-line support group for a few years. There were maybe a dozen and a half of us or so, and it was a good way for me to cope. Eventually I had had enough, though, of all the misery. I don't think surrounding yourself with more misery helps pull you out of it, not when you're starting to feel better.

    I find I don't want to do the cats' blog, or comment, when I'm feeling "off." Like now. LOL. That's just when I want to quit everything.

    Channeling that energy into something productive, like your cleaning, would be much better.

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  14. Trish, thank you for sharing! That's the great thing about the CB, we can talk about other than our feline overlords. I'm sorry you have this to deal with. I do too, on a lesser scale.

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  15. We all send you lots of hugs and purrs. Oskar's Mom over at Pet Blogs United is having great difficulty too. You should whap that monster together. HUGS.

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  16. Been in that pit on occasion although I am relieved to say for now that it isn't a regular event. Never felt the cleaning urge, though, which I am a tad annoyed about as the house could really use it.

    Anyway, the black dog is actually a bitch...

    The #1

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  17. You have a high degree of self knowledge, Trish. And you obviously have a handle on your condition. I even think your humour is honed because of it! It is much appreciated by me and so many others. I hope you get through this and be even stronger.

    I am assuming you know the supplements that can help?

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  18. Oh and meant to say, Austin sends a hug, oh yes he does!!, And me too xox

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  19. If I can help let me know... My house can always use cleaning and organizing. Just kidding really, if you need anything like kitten therapy call me up.

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  20. Trish, I admire you for posting this. Maybe that's also part of your "therapy." It's great that you recognize the signs and know how to deal with it. And if you run out of things to clean, you can always visit me...I'm sure I can find something for you! ;)

    Take care...and hang in there!

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  21. Hey Trish! I'm totally with you on this one -- and I mean totally (likewise being a long-term clinical depression sufferer).

    I'm on anti-depressants, though, and they help for the most part. Have you seen a doctor about this? Some people don't want to take meds, but if they help, I'm all for it. I know only too well how low the lows can get.

    Your cleaning frenzies confuse me, though. Generally when depressed I have no energy at all. My son was recently diagnosed with bipolar
    disorder. He had been through a series of lows over time, but this was the first time we recognized the manic phase -- and what did he do with all of his unbridled energy -- why he cleaned his house from top to bottom, and then he came over an helped me clean mine!

    I know a lot of people don't understand depression and think you can just get over it, but it is a chemical imbalance in the brain. It's not your fault. It sounds like you're trying to be 'up' for others and that is very difficult.

    I generally withdraw, as well, when I'm in a low. It just takes too much emotional energy to deal with others and try to be what they expect. Those negative cycles of thought are exhausting.

    This is time when you need to put yourself first. We'll miss seeing you on the blog. I think you're brilliant and funny! In fact, I've often wondered about the correlation between above-average intelligence and 'brain boils' (as you put it).

    Perhaps the same brain chemistry that makes one suffer is also responsible for creativity. Just my theory.

    I'm glad you have a supportive husband and 13 cats who adore you. See you later when you come out of the closet once more.

    You're very special!

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  22. Thank you for talking so candidly, we live with depression too.
    Jane xxx(the human from The Maple Syrup Mob).

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  23. Whatever works is best. We all handle it differently. I wish I got the urge to organize and clean...we need it!

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  24. Hi Trish,

    I'm going to urge you to get checked out for bipolar disorder since clinical depression usually doesn't include bouts of activity such as you describe.

    Bipolar disorder is clinical depression plus bouts of hypomania (where you're aware you're all hyped up and overactive) or mania (where you're not aware of being hyped up and overactive, so you do really crazy stuff).

    I have atypical bipolar disorder, which means I have depression plus bouts of insane irritation and insomnia. I wasn't diagnosed correctly until I was 45 because depression includes being irritable and having insomnia. Psychiatrists and therapists assumed I was merely depressed.

    In my case, my manic episodes take the form of not sleeping for days and being insanely irritable at every single little thing.

    Treatment for bipolar disorder is mood stabilizer medication which, well, stabilizes your moods. In my case, I can function much more effectively and interpersonal relationships are *MUCH* easier with mood stabilizing medication!

    Feel free to email me if you want more information. My best wishes to you no matter what!

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  25. Been there more than I care to think about. Can't say the cleaning bug ever hits me though. Take care.

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  26. It's good you can recognize what is happening to you and know how best to get through your depression. Hope you feel better soon, dammit! :)

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  27. Bless your heart and thankfully you know yourself well enough to recognize and handle the depression bugs. Scott and the kits are there to give you tons of love too and they get a spic and span house to boot!!
    Mom and I send you hugs we applaud your strength.
    Hugs Madi and Mom we'll be here whenever you need us

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  28. Oooo we missed your Sat photo hunt excellent also may we suggest your read Oskar's blog. You are not alone
    http://oskarsblog.com

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  29. First off, hugs! Second, I'm glad you have found something that helps you get out of your funk and that it benefits your household. Third, you are not alone! I think you can see by the comments that you've just provided a huge group therapy of blogers!
    If you run out of things to clean and still feel down... :) well, I'm sure you've heard that offer before, from people much closer! MOL
    We're purring and praying that you get in a good place in your head again soon!

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  30. I am proud to be a cataplasm! (my Mommeh had to look that work up).

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  31. I feel for you. It is nice that your 'outlet' for your pain is something so positive, but I can relate to the emotions behind it. You got a lot of advice in the comments and I'm going to throw one more on there. I got a lot of help from the book "The Mood Cure" by Julia Ross.

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  32. Enjoyed your post, Trish.
    Go ahead and do some more therapy, we will wait, and we're looking forward to the Katnip Lounge Garage Sale!!
    ~ Bobbie

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  33. Trish this was a beautiful post and thank you for giving us a glimpse into YOUR life!
    Thank goodness cleaning is your safe place and not drinking, drugs or eating! Yes, I was thinking your house looks too clean to need a spruce up but if it makes you feel better..You Go Girl!

    I hope your dark cloud lifts soon and I will pray for a clear blue sky to settle in its place.

    Mom Shawn,
    Chloe, Cecil and Winston

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  34. Hello, Trish,
    I am so feeling with you! I had a nervous breakdown when I was nearly 20, fortunately there was a reason and I healed, but I never forgot this feeling of being between earth and sky, smiling bravely, but feeling so sad and alone. Maybe there is a reason, and maybe you don't want to know it, because other people are involved, but you love these people... You live only once, Trish, and you will not come on this earth again to live as you want to live, everything happens NOW. And... otherwise... you clean when you feel bad, mmmm, I never want to clean, unfortunatley... In my eyes, cleaning is never done, you always have to do it again, in French we say "un éternel recommencement" and I don't want to do all things again and again...

    Smoochies to you, boys and girls!
    looloo

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  35. Trish, much love to you. You know I have admired and liked you for some time now. You are the sum of all your parts (sounded silly, I know) but these things make you the stong witty woman that you are. No, I would not wish for you to continue with depression but you have handled it and you came out each time honed and sharpened a bit more.

    XX

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  36. Trish,

    (I sent Tom off on an errand :)

    I didn't expect to read a post like this at the Lounge, but I'm glad I did. For me, cleaning is therapeutic, too, and a co-worker and I agreed it is the fact that we can control the environment around us, when everything else goes to you-know-what.

    I especially enjoyed your writing. You are very descriptive as you get to the heart of things.

    Hugs, Trish! I'm happy to say I'm part of the blog family that is always around for a pick-me-up!!

    Julie

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  37. Trish, this is a brave post to let us know your feelings of depression. I am lucky that I have never suffered from real depression. The worst I get is just feeling down and not wanting to do anything, not even wanting to post for the boys although I usually make myself do so.I can only imagine at how bad it makes you feel and hope you can banish that black cloud again. We are all here for you.

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  38. It is hard to function with any debilitating condition and I think you do an amazing job. My step daughter suffers from depression and bipolar so I have some iota of understanding of what you are going through.

    I admire you because I am the same about not being weak and whiny and not having much tolerance for those who are.

    I have a congenital kidney condition that has made me have 3 lithotripsies this summer (the 4th is coming this Wednesday) and like you, I choose to deal with much of what I am going through with laughter or withdrawing into myself. I completely understand. I wish that ANYTHING motivated ME TO CLEAN!!!

    ((((hugs)))))))

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  39. Way to be open! We support you! I too have always had to deal with depression, you're not alone!

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  40. Trish, as someone with experience on both sides of the couch, your insightful words are healing to yourself and others. So many creatives have mood disorders (who are often cat lovers!) and I hope you continue to journal if not blog. You're gifted in using words to chronicle your experience. Please know you have our support, any time.

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  41. well at least you have figured out what works to get you out of your head and feeling better..I love your way with words...have a great week yourself...darnit.:)

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  42. Meowm tangles with that stuff to, and if she doesn't stay on her meds, well she loses patience and tolerance first, then with more time the sadness comes back. Hang in there!!!

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  43. Thank you so much for sharing such a personal glimpse. There are a lot of us who totally understand. Hugs and lots of good thoughts headed your way.

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  44. Here's a BIG BIG FURRY CUDDLY HUGS from the cats in Furrever Feline ... and me too!

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  45. You are most definitely not alone. I don't suffer from depression but because of my thyrodi "malfunctioning" I have "mood disorders". At least you get your place all organized, something good does come out of it. Take the time to heal.

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  46. You are most definitely not alone. I don't suffer from depression but because of my thyrodi "malfunctioning" I have "mood disorders". At least you get your place all organized, something good does come out of it. Take the time to heal.

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  47. We lubz you SO much and we're happy to hear from you with whateffur you have to say. Sometimes the Human says it helps just to dump it all out there and let the kitties sort it out ;-) Cheaper than psychiatry too! XOXOXO

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  48. Thanks for sharing such personal information. I can relate in that I've long suffered from anxiety (and take medication for it), but still have periods of breakthrough. I will clean when I get stressed also.

    I do hope the cats are helpful for your depression. I know they are for me, and I take lessons from their "live in the moment" lifestyle.

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  49. i appreciate you posting this... i too have suffered depression most of my life. i relate to some of what you descibe- although as you can see from the photos of my house, obsessive cleaning is not something i can be accused of.

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  50. I've nothing new to say as the previous posters have said it all, but will add my appreciation for your candid post. I think everyone has periods (to a lesser or greater degree) when our afflictions overcome. Your ability to understand and recognize the symptoms and do what you need to do to get through are admirable.
    Thanks for sharing and take care!

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  51. (((hugs))) Mom says her meds and us help keep her depression in check.

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  52. Trish, I'm with CATachresis -- your struggles with the dark side add sting to the fun you share with us all. I love how you manage. I'm sending you kudos and support for being this forthright. YOU GO. Clean and green. Seems to me your cleaning mania is the perfect physical expression of your determination to meet life in all its colors head-on. And fashion forward, of course. Yellow crocs banish the bitch.

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  53. Trish,

    Thank you so much for your post. It takes a lot to be able to admit it and even more to do something about it.

    I love that you mention the running commentary in your head. Never seems to quiet does it. Like you my depression didn't look "stereotypical" but when I got help I was able to un-turtle, the commentary stopped and I was able to look around and enjoy the world around me. The difference is that I can be in the moment versus being in my own head.

    Thank you, thank you, thank you for writing this and we're sending hugs and purrs your way.

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  54. I went for years wondering what the heck was wrong with me until I was finally diagnosed with clinical depression. One I got into therapy and found the right medication for me, my life became so much better. I still have my down days, and I've learned to cope better. Thank you for sharing your story. (((HUGS)))

    Clarissa & Co's mom

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  55. Everyone ahead of me has said it all. We all appreciate your honesty and want to support you. Lucy and Skootch send along their best cat medicine of purrs and snuggles.

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  56. I missed this when you posted it. Glad you are starting to feel better now. Hang in there; we're all with you!

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Oh Boy...this is gonna be GREAT!